I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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