This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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