Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
