before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
