I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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