She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
