Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
