Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
