hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
