Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize