if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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