Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
