basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
