It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
