I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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