I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
