i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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