Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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