Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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