God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
