I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
