First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize