The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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