Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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