Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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