Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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