i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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