The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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