Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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