nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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