Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
