My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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