she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
