Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
