I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
