Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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