Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm too high and old for this...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
how does that bad decision feel?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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