Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
