maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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