Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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