My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize