I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
