Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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