To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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