Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
