I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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