oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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