made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
