fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
