Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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