You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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