sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
