i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
ugly people sure do ruin things
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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