I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
