If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
