Just cropdusted the office
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
