he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize