I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
